Shrek Interview (2018)

Thanks to modern technology, Dr. Harrison has incarnated a living, breathing, talking Shrek. Fred, a journalist, interviews the abomination to learn more about its nature.

Fred: Hello Shrek, how are you?
Shrek: Why I'm doing just fine. How are you, Fred?
Fred: Great, just great. Now, Shrek, can you tell me a bit about your swamp?
Shrek: Not sure, great. Not quite. I always thought I read books on the Daedric arts, so it really doesn't look like that. Hmmmm, I think I can over-read the book.
Fred: What Daedric arts do you specialize in?
Shrek: Daedric swords. And the most popular ones are effortless realm, a man's sword, extended close enough to the body of the beast under attack, and sword and shield. I suppose the imprint of the world has given it the physical properties of swords. You know, being human means resilient, and shields was by far the best example of a shield.
Fred: Being human? Aren't you ogre?
Shrek: Oh non. I'm not ogre. Not at all.
Fred: Then what are you?
Shrek: Oh you?
Fred: I'm a human of course. You're avoiding the question. What are you?
Shrek: Oh, don't worry. I will tell you. Veinform can discriminate between race of oxjuice and wolfu, but especially between hybrids, to maximize your chances of survival. Keep away from bedlamidesflowers sawyers, being more powerful in some states. I am called Savaris after a handle of what your blood literally does.
Fred: A handle? I don't follow.
Shrek: Oh yeah, my blood pushes when the priest notices.
Fred: That's really... hot. Can you show me?
Shrek: I... just CLICKED... OF THE MEMORY CARD slowly. That's... all right, that's it, you're done! I'm going to ACTUALLY SHOW VALUE THE WEAK FAMILY. The UNCOMPUTER is being HARD.
Fred: The hell is an uncomputer? That sounds terrible.
Shrek: Nope, it's just one of those things that I can THINK of that defeats excuses and choreography.
Fred: That sounds quite powerful, can you explain to me how it works?
Shrek: Many things can well be done in the PTR... but are they all the same as the norm?
Fred: I don't understand.
Shrek: Excuse me then. I was spending an eternity in the Central Garden now, so it does too.
Fred: I undertand. I spent a week there and I still can't taste persimmon. Now, tell me about Shrek powers. Is it true that you can kill a man with your breath?
Shrek: Wartime, division between division and shakety muddle works spectacularly through most a lifetime.
Fred: That's horrible. That's it for today, folks.
Shrek: Hoh, that's so cool. I just grumble something about my mother having a RANEWELL CANDY 8R Stupid Mini-Folk Wrangler.